At The Family Recovery Foundation we know that being in a relationship of any kind with a substance abuser, addict, or loved one with any mental health issues can be very challenging.
Many family members and loved ones find themselves obsessing, worrying, reacting, controlling, and managing in an attempt to either solve the other person's problems, control what is causing their pain, or "fix" them. However, this is an impossible task and one that leads to resentment, sadness, shame, and anger.
This kind of behavior is called “Codependency” in recovery. Codependency and codependent relationships are more common among people who have suffered trauma and substance use disorders. It is also learned behavior that tends to be passed down from one generation to another, and therefore very much ingrained in family history.
Of course, it's healthy to be attached to the people we care about and love, but people in codependent relationships do this excessively; they become overly involved with counterproductive codependent patterns. They become attached to certain outcomes. In codependent relationships, the boundaries are blurred and instead of two individuals with separate, independent minds and feelings, the codependent attachment causes problems and pain in relationships.
Even though it can be very painful to see loved ones act self-destructively, assuming responsibilities that are not yours and being a "caregiver" is destructive. The solution is detaching with love and allowing yourself to enjoy your life despite another person's problems and behavior.
Although there is no clinical way to diagnose codependency there are very particular symptoms and patterns that therapists and psychologists use to help detect codependency. Here are some LRSF examples of codependent behavior:
- You find yourself trying to control your loved ones' opinions, feelings, and actions so that you can feel ok.
- You try to persuade partners to agree with you or to do what you want (then react with hurt or anger when they don't.)
- You find yourself needing someone to be and act a certain way so that you can feel okay.
- You spend time thinking/worrying about someone else's problems, analyzing their motives or feelings, obsessing about what someone else is doing, not doing, thinking, or feeling.
- You immediately stop activities, hobbies, friends, or even a career if someone else disapproved or won't join you.
- You neglect yourself, friends, work, and obligations due to a relationship.
- Your mood, happiness, and security depend on someone else.
Detaching with love can be very difficult to do on your own. If you related to the codependency behavior patterns listed above, consider learning more about detaching and getting the support your need for codependency recovery.
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