Understanding and Responding to Gaslighting in Families Affected by Addiction
By: Beth Durling MS, CADCII, ICADC
Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where one person makes another doubt their perception of reality, often used to maintain control. This tactic is particularly damaging in families dealing with addiction, as it creates confusion and prevents addressing core issues like substance use. Dr. Robin Stern, author of The Gaslight Effect, explains that gaslighting distorts reality, leading to self-doubt and emotional confusion.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting happens when someone denies facts, minimizes emotions, or shifts blame, causing the victim to question themselves. Common signs include:
Denying Events: "I never said that."
Minimizing Emotions: "You’re overreacting."
Shifting Blame: "You made me do this."
Contradicting Memories: "That’s not how it happened."
Psychologist Dr. Ramani Durvasula notes that repeatedly denying events makes victims doubt their memory, while therapist Pia Mellody highlights that minimizing emotions creates an imbalance of power. Shifting blame, as Dr. Patricia Evans explains, distorts reality and prevents healthy confrontation.
The Impact on Families
Gaslighting erodes trust and self-confidence, making it difficult to address addiction in a meaningful way. Dr. Harriet Lerner, author of The Dance of Anger, explains that gaslighting leads to confusion and erodes the ability to maintain healthy relationships.
How to Recognize Gaslighting
To protect your mental health, start by documenting specific events in a journal. Compare your notes with how the gaslighter recalls them, and seek reality checks by talking to trusted friends or family members.
Strategies for Responding
Setting boundaries is key to protecting yourself from gaslighting. Here are some phrases to assert your reality:
"I remember it differently."
"I need space, I’m stepping away from this conversation."
"If I continue to feel blamed, I won’t engage in this conversation."
These strategies align with Dr. Brené Brown’s teachings on vulnerability and boundary setting, helping to safeguard your emotional health.
Empowering Yourself
Protect your emotional well-being by trusting your instincts and practicing self-care. Dr. Kristin Neff emphasizes the importance of self-compassion in healing from emotional manipulation. Creating a supportive, honest family environment can help reduce the impact of gaslighting and foster healthier relationships.
Gaslighting can cause lasting harm, but by recognizing the signs and setting firm boundaries, you can protect your mental health and navigate the challenges of addiction with greater clarity and strength.
